Idea’s from A SMART Recovery Family and Friends Perspective and the CMC ITC Perspective.
In the journey of supporting a loved one through recovery, setting healthy boundaries is an important, yet scary, misunderstood and sometimes overlooked component because it can be extremely exhausting to even think about.
This is my interpretation of the SMART Recovery Family and Friends program and also the CMC ITC Approach which both emphasizes the importance of boundaries. Not only for the well-being of the individual in recovery but also for the mental and emotional health of their support network, and that is US (:
I want to share that I found it hard to write about Boundaries. I, myself have a hard time with boundaries depending on how I am feeling, how tired I am and who the person is that I am thinking about setting the boundary with. I edited, deleted and rewrote the Boundary Blog post several times. If you have any feed back or ideas for a blog post that you want to see please email me your request.
Okay here we go…
Understanding Boundaries
Boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves in relationships, defining what we are comfortable with or might be willing to deal with if not comfortable with and how we would like to be treated by others. They are pretty important for maintaining a healthy balance between supporting a loved one and taking care of our own needs. I want to acknowledge that this is a hard step in our own Recovery Process.
The Importance of Boundaries in Recovery are…
1. Boundaries Promotes Independence: By setting boundaries you encourage your loved one to take responsibility for their actions and decisions. This could feel really clumsy or overwhelming, that is okay and quite normal. I encourage you to move forward even though you feel that way. This independence is a big step for us and our loved one’s in their recovery journey.
2. Boundaries Prevent Burnout: Supporting someone through recovery can be emotionally taxing and quite depleting. Boundaries help prevent burnout or at least slow it down by ensuring you have the time and space to recharge and take care of your own needs. And maybe even start to rebuild your energy reserves.
3. Boundaries Enhance Communication: You might think what, Cassandra enhances communication!? Yes, it does actually maybe not at first, over time it most likely will. Boundaries foster a place for open and honest communication in a different way, because we are now not going to be blaming the other person. We will also be delivering them in a kind way. They help clarify ways to act around you or how to engage in things around you and help reduce misunderstandings. While creating a more supportive environment for both parties then. I do want to be honest and share that ‘Push back’ does happen at first when implementing boundaries.
4. Boundaries Build Trust: When boundaries are respected, trust is then more strengthened. Your loved one will feel more secure knowing what you are asking of them and how you might end up responding to something. The win in that is you will feel more confident in your role as a Support.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries
1. Identify Your Limits: Reflect on what you are comfortable with and what feels overwhelming. Understanding your limits is the first step in setting effective boundaries. I advise you to get clear on this. Even if it is one thing. Start with that one thing. DO not overwhelm yourself here. Even small steps get you around the block. Cassandra Side note; A Coach might be a great person to work with to help with this task that is often left undone because it is just too much work when we do not know where to start.
2. Communicate Clearly: Be honest, kind and direct when expressing your boundaries. Word choice matters. Use “I” statements to convey your needs without placing blame on the other person, such as “because of you and your actions the last 2 weeks I need some space”, no that example places blame.
INSTEAD: Think ”I need some time to myself to recharge.” That is one of the many ways to correctly express that request.
3. Be Consistent: Consistency is key to maintaining boundaries. Stand firm in your decisions and avoid making exceptions that could undermine your efforts. Casandra Tip; after implementing a specific boundary, whatever it maybe and you realize that it does not work for you or you just plain don’t like it, you are not locked in to it. You can change the boundary. Whew, that is good to know. ONLY THING IS I am going to ask you to follow up with your Loved One and let them know that you have changed the Boundary Request.
WHY? Because then you will not be perceived as flip- flopping. The benefit to that is your Loved One is not wondering what’s going on. Or thinking the Boundary doesn’t matter anymore. Also the beauty of communicating the boundary change is that you show your loved one that they too have the right to request a boundary from someone and they too are allowed to change their minds. We are always modeling for our loved ones.
4. Practice Self-Care: Prioritize activities that nurture your well-being. This could be anything from exercise and meditation to spending time with friends or pursuing hobbies. I say Self-Care is what ever fills your cup up and no one has to agree with it. Self care is not what you think people want you to do. I ask you, right here right now! What is it that you want to do start doing again or maybe trying? Might playing your flute again, to try Pickle Ball? Maybe it is taking up archery, puppetry, origami, coding, sudoku or blacksmithing? Or maybe it’s trying something new like juggling! The choices are endless.
5. Seek Support: Engage with support groups like SMART Recovery Family and Friends and also the Center For Motivation and Change ITC Groups. Sharing experiences with others in similar situations, while trying the same approach can provide valuable insights, ideas, fantastic encouragement and less confusion.
Conclusion
Setting boundaries is an empowering step in supporting a loved one through recovery. It is also an empowering step for you. It allows you to offer the best support possible while also ensuring your own needs are met. Remember, healthy boundaries are not barriers but bridges to more meaningful and supportive relationships. Think fences not brick walls. By embracing this approach, you contribute positively to your loved one’s recovery journey and your own personal growth. And one of the biggest factors if you so choose is to stay in your loved ones life without constant overwhelm and chaos. I’m not saying this will go away 100%. I am saying this might help you have a more manageable life and possibly a more achievable relationship with your loved one no matter where they are in their recovery journey. That does include if your loved one is not on a recovery journey and choosing to still engage in their addictive behavior that ends up being concerning for you.
For more resources and support, consider joining a SMART Recovery Family and Friends group. Together, we can create a compassionate and understanding community that uplifts everyone involved. After all the Science does tell us that helps facilitate change.
You might be thinking right about now, Cassandra I would like some examples. Guess what, here they are!! Why do I know this because from my experience I myself needed a starting point and some examples. SO here are some examples of boundaries and boundary requests from the Cassandra Toppi mindset:
Examples of Boundaries Topics. I placed this in no specific order.
1. Personal Time: Allocating specific days, specific times during the day for self-care or personal activities without interruptions.
2. Emotional Space: Choosing not to engage in conversations that become overly emotional or confrontational, and taking a break when needed from the conversation or topic.
3. Financial Limits: Setting clear limits on financial support provided to a loved one in recovery to encourage their independence. Super Tough One.
4. Respectful Communication: Insisting on respectful communication, free from yelling, threats or abusive language. From you both.
5. Privacy: Maintaining personal privacy by not sharing every detail of your life, your loved one’s life or recovery journey with others.
Cassandra Tip: I am not talking about if you are in a Family and Friends meeting for your own Support or talking to your ‘do tell list’. I am referring to telling people that you don’t even really want to talk about your loved one to. Or to people who are going to make the situation worse or go around telling people.
Examples of Boundary Requests from the Topics I chose from the Above Section.
1. Personal Time Request: “I need some time each evening to unwind and focus on my own activities. Let’s set aside an hour after dinner where we both do our own thing from lets say 7 to 8 PM.”
2. Emotional Space Request: “When conversations become heated, I would like us to take a break and revisit the topic when we’re both calm.” How about we revisit this in 24 hours. Does that time frame work for you? Sometimes you can not even ask the time frame question and that is okay. Just as calm as possible state,
“I would like us to take a break and revisit the topic when we’re both calm.” Sometimes that is all we can say. Especially when we are first practicing setting boundaries.
3. Financial Limits Request: “I can help with some expenses. I would like to share with you what I am able to support you with. I am requesting us to agree on a budget that encourages you to manage your resources independently moving forward 3 months from now.”
I kept going over this one because this can be a real upsetting one for us. To keep it as simple as possible, I have a few thoughts. Write out a list of what you are currently supporting. Get clear on 1 thing you want to stop financially supporting then work your way to other financial things you are helping with. Go through the list and see what you do not want to support any longer.
For me it was clearer and easier to start with what I was willing to support. For example, there were 2 things right off the top of my head. One, I wanted pay for my loved ones cell phone bill. Then number two was providing basic food for nourishment but not giving the actual money for the food. That helped me get clear on what I really wanted to do. By doing this I realized I did not want to give physical cash to my loved one. When I was more sure of my boundary request I then stated, “I will not be giving you any physical cash any longer.”
It was still uncomfortable for me but it was easier when I knew what I was still willing to support. I really hope this paragraph makes sense.
4. Respectful Communication Request: “I want us to communicate openly, I want us to speak respectfully to each other without raising our voices.”
I have a thought here. Yelling might be okay for you. Maybe yelling is not the issue right now. Maybe cursing is what upsets you. You then request, “I want us to communicate openly, I want us to speak respectfully to each other without cursing at one another.”
5. Privacy Request: “I appreciate your concern, I am working on keeping certain things in my life private lately and thank you to understanding that.” Might feel uncomfortable, do it anyway, the more you say it the easier it gets!! Or you can say I am not discussing any of that today. I am going to change the subject thank you for caring though. Then change the subject!!
Implementing Boundaries
When implementing these boundaries, it’s important to:
- Be Clear and Direct: Clearly communicate your boundaries and the reasons behind them, without blaming.
- Stay Consistent: Consistency reinforces your commitment to the boundaries you have set.
Be Open to Dialogue: Encourage open discussions about boundaries and be willing to adjust them if necessary. Adjust ONLY if you want After a discussion and hearing their reasoning. You can say something like, “thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I will have to think about what you said and I will let you know my answer in 48 hours.”
Practice Self-Compassion: Understand that setting boundaries is a learning process and it’s okay to make adjustments as you go along.
By establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries, you create a supportive environment that benefits both you and your loved one in their recovery journey. This might actually help you a great deal too. If you are wondering yes these are my example responses that I use in my own life! I hope these helped.
“Having healthy boundaries not only requires being able to say “no”, but also being willing and able to enforce that “no” when necessary.”
― Jessica Moore
Finding peace amidst challenging times is possible with the right strategies, support, and a commitment to self-care. Ever think about working with a Coach to help with this process? Need additional guidance? Text me! I’m here to support you every step of the way. Let’s have a conversation and see how having a Coach like me can help you!
Text me at 516-984-3756 or click the button below.
Wishing you well always..
Peace, Love, & Tapping,
Cassandra Toppi
