When our loved ones are dealing with substance use disorder, or with a substance use disorder and a combination of mental health concerns, or possibly a mental health diagnosis and substance use disorder combined, also called co-occurring disorders ( https://www.samhsa.gov/mental-health/mental-health-substance-use-co-occurring-disorders ) it can be challenging to navigate our own emotions and reactions. Regret is a common feeling that may arise when reflecting on how we have responded to our loved one’s struggles. I have seen this happen a lot with my clients and the meetings I have run. Especially while learning new tools, as well as new strategies and being open to seeing things a different way. I have had feelings and thoughts of regret myself, so I know how extremely painful and challenging it can be at times. It is important to really try to approach the regret you have with compassion and use it as an opportunity for growth and change. Please try not to beat yourself up about it, which I admit, can be quite difficult from time to time. I too have to remind myself of that sometimes. In this blog post, we will explore the ITC (Invitation to Change) approach from the Center for Motivation and Change, in New York City, which can help us hold regret tenderly and foster healthier interactions with our loved ones.
Understanding the ITC Approach: Cassandra’s very short version.
The ITC approach is rooted in empathy, compassion, and understanding. It encourages us to shift our focus from blame and judgment to curiosity and collaboration. By adopting this approach, we can create a safe and supportive environment for both ourselves and our loved ones. I invite you to come from a place of curiosity while reading this post. Why you ask? Because coming from a place of curiosity in a lot of areas of my life have been super helpful to me (: and it might be for you too.
Acknowledge and Validate Your Feelings:
Regret is a natural response when reflecting on past reactions to our loved one’s struggles. It’s important to acknowledge and validate these feelings you have without judgment. Recognize that regret is a sign of growth and a desire to improve the way we respond in the future.
Cultivate Self-Compassion:
Self-compassion is crucial when holding regret tenderly. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would treat a close friend. Remember that we all make mistakes, and it’s through these experiences that we learn and grow. Practice self-forgiveness and let go of any self-blame. Self-blame if focused on over and over again in an unhealthy way can really get in the way of healing and making better decisions for ourselves and about our loved ones. I have done some crazy things out of fear on this journey and I have mostly forgiven myself, for a lot of that. Notice I said mostly. I am still working on myself and when something comes up for me. I take notice quicker now-a-days. I say to myself, my behaviors at the time made sense to me. I became less and less fearful as I learned more tools and allowed myself to feel the regret in order to move past it.
Reflect on Your Reactions:
Take time to reflect on how you have reacted to your loved one’s substance use disorder in the past. Consider the emotions, thoughts, and behaviors that arose during those moments. Be honest with yourself and identify areas where you may have reacted out of fear, frustration, or misunderstanding. I know for myself, that I have reacted out of fear numerous times in the beginning of my own journey; and even in the here-and-now from time to time. I have even acted out of fear in some situations that don’t even have to do with Substance Use Disorder or mental health concerns that pertain to other people I love in my life. Being aware of this can greatly help calm one down, it has helped me (and maybe it can help you!) make better decisions on how to react. As well as, how not to react if and when situations arise like that in the future. Being aware of this also helps me know that what I am feeling is normal. The question is, how will I choose to react to those feelings?
Seek Understanding:
To foster change and growth, seek to understand your loved one’s experience. Educate yourself about substance use disorder, its causes, and the challenges individuals face in recovery. How you ask? Which first step to take? Keep it simple by visiting a SMART Recovery 4 point meeting. Here is a clickable link to the SMART Recovery, meetings page! That is what I did and it was extremely helpful to me. This knowledge will help you approach conversations and interactions with empathy, kindness and compassion. Acceptance might be a good first step in the right direction. I have a great blog post on that, and you can click right here to read it! https://tappingnow.com/2023/08/28/acceptance-as-a-tool-for-keeping-your-sanity/
Practice Active Listening:
I am still practicing this! When engaging in conversations with your loved one, practice active listening. Give them your full attention, without interrupting or judging. Wait to have your chance to talk. Validate their feelings and experiences, allowing them to express themselves openly. This creates a safe space for honest communication and fosters a deeper connection. You might be pleasantly surprised by how much more conversations you start to have over time. Side note here, my loved one and I have had a lot more longer and meaningful conversations. I do not always get “active listening” right and that is okay. I try again anyway when a new opportunity arises.
Collaborate and Support:
Adopt a collaborative approach when discussing your loved one’s recovery journey. Instead of imposing your own solutions (YES, this for sure is very hard to do, but can be just as rewarding), work together to identify their needs, their goals, and their aspirations. Offer support and encouragement, also be willing to adjust your own expectations and reactions as they navigate their recovery. Expectations are not helpful for you or your loved one. Being free of expectations can really help the relationship grow and foster a sense of safety, allowing for open and easy conversations for you both. Sometimes you might hear things your loved one will say that possibly might sound a bit far fetched, unattainable or just plain scary and a lot of stuff in-between all of that. That is normal, let them speak freely and openly anyway, without correcting them and who knows where the conversation may go. While speaking out loud your loved one might start thinking about things they once loved to do, maybe a new healthier thing to try or way to be! New types of conversations, could give your loved one a lot of motivation when they are not being judged, to try something different in comparison to what they have been doing or currently trying.
Embrace Growth and Change:
Remember that change is a process, both for your loved one and for yourself. Embrace the opportunity for growth and learning. Celebrate small victories and acknowledge the progress made by both of you. Recognize that holding regret tenderly allows you to evolve and create healthier dynamics in your relationships. Change can be quite scary for some of us and that is understandable. I happen to not like change very much. I find it scary at times. I am trying really hard to welcome it as it happens. It does take some practice and on some days it is much easier to do compared to other days, that’s for sure.
Holding regret tenderly is an essential part of navigating our reactions to loved ones dealing with substance use disorder and mental health concerns. By adopting the ITC approach, we can cultivate an atmosphere of empathy, compassion, and understanding to our loved ones and for ourselves. Reflecting on our past reactions, seeking understanding for ourselves and our loved one’s, while practicing active listening, embracing growth and change are key steps in fostering healthier interactions. Remember, we are all on a journey of learning and growth, and by holding regret tenderly, we can create a more supportive and compassionate environment. That too is a win-win. A side bonus here is that when we work on this we are modeling to our loved ones how we are dealing with regret in our own lives. Who knows maybe one day they might ask us how we handled regret and we will be ready to answer them!
Also I wanted to share here that my conversations with my son have come such a long way, a wonderfully positive way, that I can ask him to check my blogs and help me make edits to it with a fresh pair of eyes and he does! That is the beauty of open communication!!
If you have any further questions, want to chat or need additional guidance, feel free to reach out to me. I’m here to support you every step of the way.
Contact me at 516-984-3756 or click the button below.
Wishing you well always..
Peace, Love, & Tapping,
Cassandra Toppi
